Mary G Bruno

1/9/14

I have been wanting to journal for a while. Obviously I have had a wide range of emotions the past few months with the pain and news of possible treatment: that evil word I hate to say- hysterectomy. It might as well be lined in red. That cursed word no woman wants to hear.  I am guilty of wandering what would be worse- death or hysterectomy. Clearly death would be worse. But you don’t realize how connected you are to your uterus until you hear you may have to lose it with no children and at such a young age.

 I learned how much my identity as a woman is connected to my ability to bear children!  If I lose that, what will I be? How can I contribute to the world/my family? I mean am I going to be frikin neutered? I would really like to continue on with the wise words God has given me to put me at peace with these questions but I haven’t found them yet. 

What I know: God loves me. He has allowed me to endure this suffering for A REASON- a specific purpose. That’s kind of beautiful. I can accept that. With all of my amazing family and friends and people I don’t even know and wonderful husband taking care of me and praying for me as much as they are, I know there is a reason. I don’t have to know the reason now. I trust God. I am thankful now for the relationship I have built with Jesus over the years that now I have grown to know Him. And I know Him as a father and friend. I know my father and friend knows what is best for me and those around me.

The pain. Pain is interesting. Because it has the ability to come out of you as emotion and communicate with you. My pain brings meaning to me. It has been a constant reminder of what is going on within my body and I have been haunted with the feeling that “My own body is attacking my fertility.” I only imagine a warzone in there. I don’t know what is happening but the pain brings emotion. Reminder. This morning as I woke up in the second portion of pain in my typical month, day 8, with difficulty sleeping because the pain has now been there off and on, but for the better part of the whole day yesterday as well, and I can’t take anti inflammatories due to surgery in 6 days, it serves as a reminder of how much I need Him. I have not been as good at my prayer life lately. Maybe I’ve been mad at Him or don’t know what to say or how to say it or I just became complacent. But this morning, pain reminded me how much I need Jesus. Let’s not forget that He did not spare his own self from suffering.  Mary do not forget that He did not spare his own self from suffering.