Mary G Bruno

The end of a cycle month for me is kind of like standing on a highway with my eyes closed and waiting to get nailed by a car, hopefully a Porsche or something nice with chrome spinners, at any moment. It is legit scary- even more so this month, since I just found out (officially) for the first time that I did not ovulate. Haha, I know, that’s kind of an important aspect of getting knocked up. The other months I thought there was a chance I would be pregnant, so there lingered that possibility of getting snatched out the way before being knocked a couple blocks by the Porsche. This time it is different because I know it will come. Fear of what brand of painful cruelty this month’s round of bloodshed might bring immediately crept in.

My personal struggle is a tiger (I like cats) with two heads- one I’ll call Cruella, and let’s call the other Jerkface. Cruella is that b#@$& that shreds up any little hope/attempt that the parts that make me woman might emote to cultivate new life, and then spits on it. Jerkface is the insult to injury that robs my insides of sanity and wreaks havoc on my lady parts, work life, and social life (at least) once a month. Both Infertility and physical pain are two very real aspects of the fight. The former, in particular, brought a special kind of cruelty on me the past two months. Let’s just say to have my emotions on a roller coaster would be an understatement, i.e. a false positive pregnancy test (to give just 1 example). If I wasn’t sane before, this really threw me off the edge- especially with my relationship with Jesus, my Friend, my Comfort, my Healer. How could He? As if infertility wasn’t enough, I have now lost the peace of mind that I will start my period on time and get a false pregnancy test?! And as I cried out to Him in my “prayer chair,” I got crickets. Silence. Absence. Tears. Now I get no consolation, too? Excuse me, is this microphone on? I felt the desert; hopelessness; despair. Look, it is not easy being a Christian sometimes. My faith had never been tested this much. I was given a glimpse into the feelings one has when tempted to lose their faith.
Then I stumbled upon St. Theresa of Avila. Since God has apparently removed His consolation from me for, at least, the moment, I accidently found Him by going around Him through the Saints and others in my life He works through to set me straight and give me comfort. Avila said “Oh, my Lord! How true it is that whoever works for you is paid in troubles! And what a precious price to those who love you if we understand its value.”

I know with my brain that God has great plans for me/us and that this two headed tiger, however incidental, is a very PURPOSEFUL part of them. However, my heart hurts because it usually cannot grasp that. Fortunately, God does not call us to understand, agree with, or like His Will for our lives at any given moment. But He is SO pleased with us, maybe even more so, when we stick with Him anyway, even when we FEEL like we have no reason to. What bothered me most about myself, is that I could feel my love and approval of God being conditional. I got very angry when I didn’t get what I wanted. That isn’t loving, and it isn’t attractive. I do not get fuzzy happy feelings about God right now and for sure have no idea what the heck is going on. But I have found my only peace in living another day by sticking with him anyway. By saying “Hey Lord, I hate what You are allowing right now, and I can’t wrap my mind around it, and I feel like I would rather walk into tiny pointy objects frequently than experience it, but I will trust in Your promise. And because I meant it when I said I love you, I’m going to go on, and hold on tight to this ride….oh yea, and thank you for being so patient with my butt for my process in getting to this point…….oh and sorry for the several hundred harsh words I may or may not have dropped along the way.”

St. Theresa of Avila reminds us that “. . . it is presumptuous in me to wish to choose my path, because I cannot tell which path is best for me. I must leave it to the Lord, Who knows me, to lead me by the path which is best for me, so that in all things His will may be done,” and that “the important thing is not to think much but to love much; and so do that which best stirs you to love.” Today, I will not be presumptuous and I will not love conditionally, and I will will myself to not do it again tomorrow.