Mary G Bruno

“Perspective.” Definition: A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view. Perspective is a powerful noun. It gives us the ability to look at the world/our condition, good or bad, in multiple ways. I would say we have a choice in the matter. That rainy day either ruined our long-awaited outside adventure or became an unexpected catalyst for an extremely productive day inside. If we sit and soak in the lap of stale expectations, our spirit becomes soggy. How can we become a person who makes dead expectations an opportunity? How do we breath life into hope that feels lost? What determines which perspective we will have? In my experience, it is not “what” but “Whom,” and that Person is Life itself.  And the method is trust. Period. Pun intended.

Roughly six years ago, I finally got the answer to my adult life-long question: what the hell is inside of me that is punching holes through my uterus then setting it on fire and spitting on it? It has a name- endometriosis. Relieved to get an explanation of what ailed me, I was cheerfully optimistic and ignorant, assuming the common side effect of infertility would not affect me. I also assumed the pain would go away once surgically dealt with, as promised. Surgery #1 down and three months later, the pain remained.

Next up, surgery #2 was scheduled. Between these 2 surgeries, I did my research and learned that there are very different approaches taken by doctors to treat this [witch] of a disease. My first surgeon, in my opinion, did not fully understand how to find and remove the disease appropriately. She wasn’t taking the time during surgery or our scheduled appointments to dig deeper and truly investigate the source of the problem. This is all too common in our birth-control-“treatment”-obsessed mainstream gynecology. We will refer to her as “Yesterday Medicine.” Fortunately, I found other doctors that not only took that time, but appreciated every moment of it, like I do; like I have to. We will refer to these new doctors by their actual name, “NaProTechnology” trained physicians. This was absolutely vital for me because I needed someone who valued my fertility as if it affected them personally, down to the very last ounce of any I had left. I needed someone to fight for my fertility.

I believe this next part was a miracle. I received word on the morning of my pre-op with Yesterday Medicine that I could travel to my new NaPro doctor for surgery instead. I was able to cancel my second surgery at my pre-op, just in time. My NaPro doctor took almost three times longer than Yesterday Medicine during this second surgery to tackle a very difficult and extensive disease the right way. “Time.” Definition: the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future. They took more time, which gave me more time.

My NaPro doctor said that had I gone through with this surgery, as originally intended with Yesterday Medicine, she would have likely decided during my surgery to remove every bit of my fertility- just like that- no uterus, ovaries, or tubes, due to the extent of disease present. This was not a far off assumption, considering that Yesterday Medicine made it clear this was a possibility with the first surgery and had me sign my consent to give her permission to do so (My NaPro docs would never ask me to do this), depending on what she found. That means that unmarried at 25 years old and without ever having the opportunity to get pregnant, and only several months after learning that I have a disease that could cause infertility but still thinking “I’ll be fine…”, I  would have gone into a surgery which I understood to be minimal, but awoken to the shocking news that I was now unable to bear children. Ever. Period. Pun, again, intended.

I felt like the hand of God had metaphorically snatched me from the mouth of a dragon. I would have been devastated had my hopes of getting pregnant been pulled out from under me so unexpectedly without having time to try other treatments and mentally and emotionally wrap my head around it. But no, it wasn’t even my “hopes…” Because most of us in America who plan to have families one day do not “hope” for it. We plan for and expect it, assuming that it will happen at the time we are ready for it, if not before we are ready for it. And this was me, despite the factors of a diagnosis that put the odds against me. It would have been dramatic. And it could have destroyed me. And even if this worst fear happens one day, I will still see this as a grace that awarded me time and a growing sense of perspective.

Fast forward six years, eight more surgeries, and who knows how many negative pregnancy tests later, to present day. It probably hasn’t been too many pregnancy tests later because your emotions learn very quickly to just… NOT. Man, wait a second, surely God spared me from that abrupt hysterectomy because He did plan to eventually put that baby in my belly, right? Now is the part where I tell you that I trusted in God and, although it was hard, I put a smile on my face through those painful years and He rewarded that trust and suffering with 2 successful pregnancies, a healed uterus, a new puppy, and I learned how to knit! Ha, nope. Because trusting in God does not mean that we get everything we think we want. Trusting in God is hard! We want to maintain at least the sense that we have control and if our plans start changing without our permission, we feel the loss of that control, and it can be terrifying.

Think of a family member or friend that you trust the most. Why do you trust them so much? It is likely because you know them so well. You have spent time with, have witnessed decisions made by, and have had enough experiences with him or her to allow you the comfort of trusting them, sometimes with people or ideas that are very important to you. Whoever you are thinking of, as amazing as they are, is only human. How much more, then, can we trust our Father in Heaven, who is perfect and all-knowing, with the events in our lives that are so important to us? The more we know Him, the more comfortable we become with trusting Him; when we have spent time with Him, have witnessed decisions made by Him through prayer and Scripture, and have had enough experiences with Him to know “…the plans [He has for us]…plans to prosper [us] and not harm [us], plans to give [us] hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). Our perspective improves. We learn that He knows better than we do. 

Now that dreaded word has resurfaced, testing me. Hysterectomy. The right side of my lip can’t help but try to run away from my face in disgust at the mere thought of the word. My very first blog in January of 2014, “What My Uterus Tells Me,” was prompted by new information from my doctor which I mistakenly thought was suggesting that this was a potential treatment plan “sooner” rather than “later.” Unfortunately, I was only wrong about the “sooner” part, and the “later” part is approaching faster than it takes for another pregnancy test to drop into the trash can. More new information includes another wicked word: adenomyosis. This is endometriosis’ older, uglier, and impossible older sister…

TO BE CONTINUED

 

Mary G. Bruno