Mary G Bruno

We were able to adopt our daughter the day she was born. Practically since that day (don’t get mad at me; I’m exaggerating), she has loved fruit snacks. She is almost three now and I try to limit her sweets, so they are an extra special treat when she gets a bag. Today was one of those extra special days. As we listened to one of her favorite Moana songs, I handed her that priceless bag of gummy bears, asked her to say “thank you,” and I responded with a “you’re welcome” in my best Maui voice. She was very excited to dig in and I enjoyed watching her savor every bite. The girl is a slow eater, but 10 minutes later I began to wonder if the bears had started to multiply when I looked over at her and noticed the bag looked empty. I sadly told her “Aww, it’s all gone. Can I throw the bag away for you?” She said “no” and frantically dug into the colorful plastic grasping for any resemblance of a glorious gummy bear, but came up empty handed.

During her frantic digging, the look on her face became familiar. Sure, an empty gummy bear bag to an adult is hardly a big deal. (Just grab another bag or three, duh!) But to a two-year-old, an empty bag might actually feel kind of hopeless and frustrating (for a moment, until she spots something shiny…) But I recognized that feeling. My husband and I have been infertile for 6 years and counting. I had chronic pain (before I knew that was a thing) at 13 years old from a stupid disease that is thankfully not life threatening, but grows like cancer and of course, affects fertility. We have frantically searched through our own bag of fertility remedy gummy bears, grasping at surgeries, medicines, diets, supplements, injections- any ounce of hope and control we could claw into but still coming up empty handed. We know that ache. As any good naïve optimist would have done, I went into marriage assuming I wouldn’t be bitten by the infertility bug. I also would have claimed that I knew God has the best plan for my life, but never considered that I might not actually know what it was. Did I even ask Him- and un-biasedly listen for an answer? Or did my plans fall in line with what “all good Catholics called to marriage are supposed to do?” You know- have a bunch of children. So when that didn’t happen, I felt despair, forgotten, worthless.

But what is the fullness of what God means by being fruitful; fertile; “open to life”? As Gru (Despicable Me) would say: “Liiight bulb!” It has to mean more than bearing children because this girl’s womb has been rocking an “under construction” sign for a while and doesn’t appear to be taking it down any time soon- and God is NOT an unjust God who dangles pretty things in front of our faces only to keep them out of our reach. He is a God who gives us hope, not One who takes it away. He gives us beautiful gifts and talents meant to impact and give life to the world, regardless of our ability to give life to a baby within our wombs. Some of those gifts include literally growing new life. Some of them include receiving the gift of a new life into your home. Some of them include awakening new spiritual life in others. They are all equally important. God has designed us each so beautifully unique in order to contribute something vital to the world- we are each a precious puzzle piece designed by the ultimate Artist to complete His exquisite picture.

I am just now beginning to discover and “water” the most wonderful gifts and talents God has given me- gifts that would have never blossomed without first experiencing the cross of infertility. Recently I began to wonder if I had been able to bear children, would we truly have discerned and been open to how many God was calling us to have? Would we have accepted that maybe He wasn’t calling us to have many? Would I have explored my gifts and talents and how God calls me to contribute to the world with the same intensity? People within our beautiful Church spend so much effort telling us to be open to new life within the context of bearing children, but it means SO much more. When we don’t understand this, we limit God. He calls us each in unique and delightful ways. It is time to start encouraging each other to cultivate new life in any and all forms God asks of us.

You are probably not at all wondering what happened with Bella and the gummy bear bag, but the story isn’t over! Despite me trying to carefully ease her reluctant fingers away from the bag to gently prepare her (and myself) for her disappointment tantrum, she continued to dig. I started to feel sorry for her until, PLOT TWIST: she pulled out not 1, but 2 frickin gummy bears… the joke (and, uh, lack of faith, Ha!) was on me. I stared, dumbfounded and laughing, at her precious and delightfully victorious face. I congratulated her persistence as I quickly began to feel the Holy Spirit chuckle and stir within me. Moral of the story: gummy bears really do multiply. Just kidding. But God is sooooo good and has so many gummy bears to give us, whether we recognize it or not. But start asking for them! Regardless of how little we trust Him at times, how little we see His goodness, and how much control we desperately try to hold on to, He still has this perfect plan for us. He still desires what is best for us. He still desires for us to reach the desires of our heart- even the ones we haven’t yet dared to imagine. He still wants to give us gummy bears. Girl (and boy!), get your gummy bears.