On our wedding night and the night afterwards, Chris and I were fortunate enough to stay at the Ritz-Carlton in downtown New Orleans. #WeFancy, but #WeHadAConnection. It was incredible. As one of their many attentions to detail, they gifted us with some fancy bubble bath, pictured above. Who knew a bottle of bubbles could be so pretty, smell so good, and add to so much fun ; ) ? This bottle, rarely used since the weekend of our wedding, quickly became a beautiful and nostalgic decoration around our bathtub at home.
Fast forward almost exactly 7 years to a couple of weeks ago. My pain was bad again and the medication wasn’t kicking in, so it was time to get into the tub. Chris told me to stay on the couch until he could prepare the bath water for me. When the time came, he carefully helped me into the bathroom and into the tub, where the hot water provided some relief instantly.
Finally able to relax a little, I lied down and remained very still. Chris immediately grabbed that precious bottle of bubbles from our wedding night and poured it all around me, its aroma instantly tickling my nose.
Same bubbles. Very different scenario.
After settling the bottle back into its treasured spot, he grabbed some bath salts that I didn’t know existed and sprinkled them into the water as well. He sat next to me and held my hand from the other side of the tub.
The hot water felt good on my belly but eventually made me feel so hot that I felt like I needed to get out. Chris insisted that I stay and began to fan me with some cardboard (2 Creighton charts. Ha!). A smile broke through the stoic expression on my face as I said “This is marriage…” and he smiled, too. My body and fertility betrayed me with pain and dysfunction, but my heart was full and my spirit was content, even joyful. A similar scenario was repeated less than two weeks later.
On a night in which I was in great physical pain, both of us bearing hearts with dreams of fertility crushed, one of us fully clothed and simply holding my hand, and no orgasm in sight, we had a completely fulfilling sexual experience. I was open and completely vulnerable as Chris made a complete and sincere gift of himself to me. I received that gift and reciprocated it back to him in my gratitude and sincere appreciation in as much as I was able to in that moment. We both experienced the pleasure of a deeper intimacy.
We then approached our seven-year wedding anniversary differently than we are usually able to, but I had never felt more loved or connected to my husband, who continues to choose me at my lowest. In a world where love is often mischaracterized by feelings that ebb & flow and instant gratification, the appeal of actual love is often lost. Love is an act of the will; a daily and often difficult choice to make, but ultimately extremely fulfilling. And that fact is not lost on us today.
Just like the average couple, we fail often. But the unfailing persistence of the lifetime commitment we have promised to each other and the understanding of love as a daily choice (especially the choices that seem unpopular by culture) are components of this long-term fulfillment.
The idea that this was a pleasing sexual experience will sound bogus to the general population. The fullness of sexual intimacy is generally lost in a culture who tends to be obsessed with “sex” while simultaneously being unable to wholly define it. In frequent attempts to reach what many consider to be quality sexual contact, most settle for what is unfulfilling long-term and often unrestricted genital contact- even within marriage. Self-control is only considered to be of value when a minor or lack of consent is involved.
But to have satisfying sexual contact with our spouse means to connect with his or her whole person. We are far more than bodies with genitals that provide a means to an end, but using any form of birth control inevitably causes us to stumble into that category. Any barrier between our fertility and our spouse denies ourselves of the ability to make a complete and sincere gift of our whole selves to our spouse.
From major sacrifices to minor daily struggles, marriage calls us to choose love daily, experiencing both joys and pains- some forced upon us (illness, accident, etc.) and some chosen by us (naturally avoiding pregnancy via NFP/Fertility Awareness, caring for sick loved ones, our attitudes, etc.) for the greater purpose of a healthy marriage. When willingly accepted, we can find joy and purpose in suffering, no matter how it is delivered.
Chris and I have never had to experience the difficult, but loving sacrifice of avoiding sex to space pregnancies because we are infertile. But we have had to avoid sex much more frequently than expected due to multiple surgeries and chronic pain that has often been present outside of my period and sometimes for weeks at a time. Sometimes on our Anniversary.
Many people (many Catholics included) don’t believe avoiding sex during fertile times to avoid pregnancy rather than using birth control is important to the health of a marriage. But if we look at the way the Author of sex and marriage has designed us, we can see two facts clearly:
- He created us to be fertile for only several days within each cycle.
- He gave us the ability to effectively determine on which days we are fertile and on which days we are not.
We can intuitively gather that there is some purpose to this design.
We sometimes forget that God put the pleasure in intercourse on purpose. He’s not embarrassed by it or fooled somehow because we clever humans figured out how to make it feel good. He actually wants us to get as much enjoyment out of it as we can, even until we are physically exhausted (if that’s what floats your boat)- but only when we understand that that fun/unitive part of the design is equally as important as the design for the transmission of new life and the lifetime commitment meant to foster that potential new life.
Simply put = sex is both for fun and for making a baby. Their inability to be separated and remain in union doesn’t mean that God wants us to have as many children as physically possible. It means that when we are avoiding pregnancy, He has designed us to use only days of infertility within each cycle for sex, and to especially use that difficult time of sacrifice to grow closer to the whole person of our spouse.
Sex is good and important, but it shouldn’t be so important in our lives that we lose sight of its whole purpose and the importance of the other areas of intimacy in our lives. We can get so busy preparing to avoid sacrifice at all costs that we miss daily opportunities to grow in unity and intimacy that will actually lead to deeper fulfillment.
What if sex is unexpectedly taken off the table for a temporary or even permanent period of our lives? What will be the quality of our relationship?
Have we fostered other goods within our marriage?
Will we still choose to love?
Will we find the even deeper sexual experiences with the whole person of our spouse?
We naturally anticipate our wedding day with great excitement, making expensive plans and beautiful designs, forming creative ideas, making a plethora of phone calls and appointments, and the list goes on. How much do we willingly and even joyfully sacrifice for a few very special hours on a Saturday night? What are we willing to sacrifice for the health and strength of a good marriage that brings us true joy and lasts a lifetime?
That feeling of butterflies which often accompanies the excitement and passion of sex is very good, but in isolation, is fleeting. To be seen and loved at your lowest, even through something as simple as a bubble bath, is a good that will last forever…
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