Mary G Bruno

When I was in the 6th grade and recently dealing with some huge changes in my life, one very ugly week crept up on me. I suddenly began being haunted by disturbing thoughts that I couldn’t shake. I became incredibly stressed, lost my appetite, and was taken to various priests for spiritual direction as that week turned into a year. And then some. I would often daydream about times passed when I could enjoy life as the free young girl I once was and wondered if I’d ever feel like that again.

That was when I really learned to pray. 

But even at a young age, I remember thinking that if I had the option of God making those thoughts magically disappear, I wouldn’t want to be freed in that way. It may have allowed me to escape the problem, but it wouldn’t have healed me. I wanted to be able to have the irrational fears and consciously overcome them. I wanted to conquer those voices in my head through interior growth, rather than using a disappearing act as a free pass around the pain.

Obviously, that kind of free pass dreamed up by the 11-year-old version of myself doesn’t exist in real life. Healing isn’t something you can fake. Conquering our fears and carrying our cross is a daily reality that requires hard work and big faith, no matter who you are, what your age is, or your changing struggles. 

Consider our Blessed Mother. At a young age, she was confronted by an angel of God who asked her to take on a terrifying amount of responsibility compounded by fears, unknowns, and the promise of more emotional pain. She didn’t ask “But how?” or “Why?” She simply trusted in the Lord and gave a resounding “Yes” that continues to echo throughout the hearts of the faithful today.  

Those Three Little Letters

A big fat Y-E-S to God’s will is much easier to read about in the Good Book than to express authentically from our hearts. We know we are called to live out that “yes” in our own unique ways, but what does that look like in the lives of imperfect humans who are not confronted with tangible angel messengers and spontaneous conceptions? Our challenges are different and often hard to understand, but our “yes” can be just as resounding whether we are in middle school or braving adulthood.

That whole 6th grade experience gave me great practice for the rest of my life, where I would eventually encounter another kind of disturbing thought which would call for me to give my own “yes:” 

I may never get pregnant.

I can assure you that “disturbing” is not too strong of a word to describe this kind of thought. When you have been told your whole life that the most important function of Catholic womanhood is to produce children, you can’t help but feel like a failure when despite doing everything “right,” your body refuses to comply. It tends to create a mental and emotional frenzy lending towards cyclic hopelessness. It can become a dangerous downward spiral unless you figure out how to be truly grounded and truly receptive to the fullness of God’s plan.

Well that sounds great, Mary. But how?

As National Infertility Awareness Week came to a close, I reflected on all the amazing content that graced my Instagram feed and stories. Advocates for women, solidarity, emotional healing, and whole health really brought their A-game for NIAW 2021! I was amazed by all the support and encouragement from the fertile and infertile alike, and am so proud to see a rarely discussed topic finally get the attention it deserves.

A common theme in many of these incredible reflections is the fact that there is hope to achieve pregnancy. And this is very true. Especially with the growing spotlight on fertility awareness and restorative reproductive techniques, more and more couples are becoming pregnant because they are becoming healed. It’s nothing short of amazing. There are few events more exciting (and more terrifying) than an infertile woman watching that tiny positive sign finally pop up in that dreaded test window.

But there’s another crucial part of that conversation that is often left out (probably because of those stinking character limits) because there’s more than one kind of healing. 

Yes, achieving a pregnancy is a very good thing to hope and strive for. But what about when it doesn’t happen? Are you then without hope? No! Diving into that longing, accepting that cross, inviting Christ into it, and discovering God’s best plan for our lives no matter the outcome is a transformation that we should hope and strive for simultaneously. Openness to God’s love is an openness to receive whatever He allows. This second part of the conversation should be no less sought after than that beautiful conception.

Because an inability to achieve and/or sustain pregnancy is a denial of not one, but two things:

1. A biological child
2. Our own will

When Our Will and God’s Intersect 

The denial of our own plan isn’t acknowledged as easily as the absence of a growing baby belly, but its recognition as an opportunity for growth is crucial to healing even if the baby comes. The journey through suffering as experienced in the dying to our own will often teaches us valuable life lessons that we wouldn’t have learned otherwise and unites us to the heart of Christ. An invitation to suffer with Christ is an invitation to relationship.

So take this opportunity. And take the next one that comes, too.

That desire for a baby is very good, but not so good that it should eclipse the other desires of our hearts placed there by God. It’s not so good that it should diminish the value and joy of every woman’s call to spiritual motherhood. A biological child is not the only thing that makes a mother or the only thing that can bring peace. 

Although infertility breaks our hearts in many ways, one thing it will never fully deny is the desires of our hearts. God is fully aware of all of our gifts and desires; not just the ones we’re brave enough to say out loud – and He cannot be outdone in the generosity we offer Him by dying to our own will.

The fact that some of our desires become recognized through suffering is a human reality. He wants more for us than settling for anything less than actual healing – unity with Himself and fullness of life. That doesn’t promise a life without suffering, but a life that can experience incredible joy no matter the outcome of our plans. 

So…

If the Full Term Pregnancy Happens

Praise God! The journey that led to this moment has been difficult and life-changing. It has stretched and molded you in ways you never wanted to be challenged, but has produced great fruit. You likely never imagined how resilient you would become. Now you recognize that God never left your side and are now able to more fully appreciate the incredible gifts He has given you.

If it Doesn’t

Praise God! The journey that led to this moment has been difficult and life-changing. It has stretched and molded you in ways you never wanted to be challenged, but has produced great fruit. You likely never imagined how resilient you would become. Now you recognize that God never left your side and are now able to more fully appreciate the incredible gifts He has given you.

Who knew that 11 year old girl was on to something by experiencing a desire to work through her challenges? This is a call to fight against our internal agreements with the notion that we will not be okay until pregnancy is achieved, that big families are signs of holiness, and/or that children exist for the sake of our happiness and completion. 

Our Mama Mary’s Fiat in Luke 1:38 states:

“Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your Word.”

She demonstrates the most radiant posture of receptivity. Even in grasping the magnificent joy and privilege of becoming the biological mother of our Savior, she was fully aware of the incredible depth of sorrow she would experience throughout her lifetime. This changed nothing about her receptivity to His Divine will and commitment to love, a profound act of the will and response to grace which we all reap the benefits of.

So rejoice in that pregnancy if it comes because it is very good! But you can’t fake fiat. Keep working on that posture of receptivity to God’s will no matter where you are in your journey and no mater what the outcome is.