Mary G Bruno

When you can’t seem to get pregnant, something becomes painfully obvious – everyone else who can, and the vast differences and responsibilities that appear to separate your family from theirs.

Sex takes on additional pressures and is often robbed of pleasure. Being Catholic likely adds to stress as babies and growing families tend to be in hyper-focus, intentionally and not. (There is a valiant fight raging against abortion and birth control. The infertile become collateral damage when the value of spiritual parenthood isn’t also emphasized.) When sex doesn’t result in a child like it does for almost everyone else, it can feel like your marriage, your worth, and your sexual intimacy are all subpar.

But that doesn’t make it true. Feelings can change with the weather, are affected by various life situations, and are not necessarily a reflection of reality. Neither your fertility status nor your intentions about pregnancy can determine the worth of your marriage or yourself, even though these constantly differ among families. Daily routines and sources of suffering vary greatly, but the goals of marriage and the purposes of each act of intercourse remain exactly the same for all of us. This provides some beautiful common ground.

Same goals. Same purposes. Same love.

When it comes down to it, it really doesn’t matter whether you are trying to avoid or achieve pregnancy, or if you are “trying to whatever,” nor does it matter how successful you are at any of it. By way of the Sacrament of marriage you chose to enter into, it is your job to make God’s love tangible for each other and those around you; to love in whatever selfless ways God calls you to. This won’t remove the pain of your particular life situation, but it should bring a certain amount of satisfaction regardless of your intentions of pregnancy.

For the fertile and infertile trying to avoid or achieve pregnancy –

Sex should unite the spouses. Each spouse should make a sincere effort to share themselves with the other emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We can never be finished learning about one another. In a sense, growth in intimacy outside of the bedroom becomes a kind of “foreplay” that naturally culminates in the mutual self-donation of the sexual embrace and with a frequency that fits for each individual couple’s changing circumstances.

For the fertile and infertile trying to avoid or achieve pregnancy –

Sex should be procreative. This still applies when infertile, pregnant, in menopause, and after hysterectomy. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22). The intended pleasure that results from the union enhances the bond between spouses. With God’s grace and power, that couple proceeds to take their strengthened love and share it with those around them; with the world, in whatever ways God calls them to love. Our job is to, essentially, multiply God’s love.

#Nailedit

When our priorities shift out of order, or a purpose of sex gets nixed, our goals don’t get met. For infertile couples, sex can become a chore if it is narrowly focused on pregnancy. Couples are often stressed and may have a hard time sharing vulnerably about their deep pains, concerns, and plans on how to move forward – especially if they disagree. Emotional, spiritual, and/or physical intimacy may (unintentionally) take a back seat. This can rob sex of both pleasure and unity. They may forget that their sexual embrace can and should bear fruit when pregnancy doesn’t result. If sex is unfulfilling, consider that a child may not be the most important thing that’s missing.

When not struggling with infertility, periods of avoiding sex to avoid pregnancy can be very difficult and stressful. Maybe their reasons for avoiding pregnancy have put a lot on their mind or have simply given them things to discuss and work on individually and/or together. It’s just as important for this couple to share vulnerably about their deep pains, concerns, and plans. Emotional, spiritual, and/or physical intimacy may (unintentionally) take a back seat. They, too, may forget that their sexual embrace can and should bear fruit when not trying to achieve pregnancy. If sex is unfulfilling, consider what might be missing.

Changing intentions about pregnancy and fertility statuses can make our perceptions of sex fuzzy, and even straight up difficult. But our marriages and experiences of sex do not have to be crippled by our fertility statuses. Every marriage and each act of intercourse can, and should be, fruitful, procreative, unitive, vibrant, exemplar, and important. Sex often takes place without effort. Growth in other areas of intimacy has to be intentional.

It is not unusual to feel betrayed by our own fertility and divided from others who have different experiences. Some of us will never know how it feels to be on the other side, but focusing on the two primary purposes of sex – and the fact that they are the same for all of us – unites us. It brings us into the fold. And when swimming in an ocean of isolation with infertility, I hope it helps you to feel a little less alone.

if you’re interested in learning more about how I came to accept permanent infertility even before my hysterectomy, explore my new book Twelve Stripes Deep: How Infertility & Other Suffering Delivered My Greatest Joys.