Mary G Bruno

I know – more Butker commentary. Roll your eyes or kick my Butker if you must, but please also consider that this piece of the story has not yet been addressed. While I’d rather not jump on this Butker bandwagon, there’s an aspect worth noting that not a single major Catholic organization will point out because they likely didn’t notice. Many have been too busy celebrating the boldness of this viral speech as a whole to pay attention to the errors and oversights that are blanketly being thrown in with authentic Catholicism. But I digress.

Check out the one Catholic woman who did notice.

There were parts of this speech that I thought were wonderful. I love a good and bold dose of honesty that convicts and compels us to pursue true holiness. “We must always speak and act in charity, but never mistake charity for cowardice.” Amen, brother! I long to hear priests and other Catholics proclaim hard truths from the pulpit and the pews that make the teachings of the Church very clear without losing sight of the human beings in front of them who long to be listened to and loved.

It is easier to accomplish that first task of speaking truth, especially if you refer directly to the source of Church teaching. The listening to and loving the human in front of us part? Not so much. Just ask anyone who feels isolated in the church. Those who struggle with infertility are only some of many who have found it hard to be received and valued just as they are. Those who are infertile, though, are often uniquely forced to wade in the very waters that make their path so hard, particularly if they choose to pursue their Catholic faith.

Why Being Catholic Makes Infertility So Hard: and how to soften the blows – Mary G Bruno

The part of the speech I am about to bring your attention to will certainly seem small to most and I understand that. Before I had my own specific life experiences, I would have found myself in the same position. But now that I have lived through the darkest days of my life that were brought to me by infertility, I can share that one word in this quote hit especially hard for me: “...I would venture to guess that the majority of you [women] are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.”

Ouch. I have questions about the whole sentence, but that one word in particular carries an acute sting. While I can’t say on my college graduation day that I was most excited about marriage and children (because that didn’t feel like a reality yet and I was excited to begin the career I had worked so hard for), it is something I did assume would happen; something easy to lose sight of as a gift when it comes so easily. It is something I took for granted. It is something that most adult married women around me have done throughout my lifetime. It is something that has been a large focus of the Church I have loved throughout my lifetime. And it is true that many people talk like Butker did in his speech about bringing children into the world. Why would I have expected anything different? Why would I have been prepared for anything different?

Because that is not what happened for me. No, Mr. Butker, despite the great desire, a lot of prayer, and a lot of hard work, 1 in 5 of the women you spoke to will not be able to bring children into this world (according to the CDC). It certainly isn’t the majority, but it is not an insignificant number. It is 1 in 5 who will likely find it difficult to feel like a valued part of their Catholic community. 1 in 5 who may not be able to afford adoption. 1 in 5 who will surely find it harder to discover how incredibly fruitful their life already is and can be without having children. 1 in 5 who will likely find it harder to find fulfillment because they have been convinced that having children is equated with holiness and it has recently been suggested in one viral speech that their life may not start until they become a mother.

It is not Harrison Butker’s responsibility to point out every possible situation of suffering or speak to situations that he has not experienced. It is not his fault that biological motherhood has been uniquely glorified by many in the Catholic Church for a long time – often at the expense of spiritual motherhood and the many facets of the feminine genius. Butker just continued a tradition of pretending, or forgetting altogether, that infertility and miscarriage is alive and (not so) well in the pews of every single church. And it will be part of the story of some graduates in every single college.

Part of this speech, not in isolation but combined with the messages we frequently receive in the Church, and by the Catholic people and organizations reinforcing it by praising his speech as a whole, is one of many things that set some of us up to fail – the ones who will become infertile, who will struggle with miscarriage, who will have trouble finding a husband; the ones who will become lost in motherhood because they were never encouraged to utilize the various other gifts God has given them, and the ones who will not know who they are when their children leave the home. It may feel small to you now. But the way we talk about important aspects of Church and life matters. And it may matter to you later if your plans, or that of your children or friends, don’t unfold as you expect.

It takes nothing away from physical motherhood to also rejoice in the various incredible forms in which women bring new life into the world. It can and should be done without mentioning infertility at all.

While I absolutely loved his calling out the President of the United States for claiming to be Catholic and supporting abortion, ending abortion and use of birth control (actual birth control, not NFP – Catholic birth control does not exist because not having sex is objectively different than having sex) are not the only things Catholics should consider when proclaiming the beauty of Church teaching about family planning, the dignity of each human life, and the importance of our God-given vocation.  

Yes, being a wife and mother and homemaker is often undervalued by the culture and that is not right. These are incredible and needed vocations and roles! Women who struggle with infertility and miscarriage often feel undervalued by some of their Catholic brothers and sisters, often unintentionally. And there are things we can do to change that, especially if we call ourselves pro-life.

So, to reinforce two very important points that Harrison Butker made in his speech – “We must always speak and act in charity, but never mistake charity for cowardice” and “This is an important reminder that being Catholic alone doesn’t cut it.” We have to learn actual Church teaching. We have to love one another. We have to act like we all matter. We have to build up one another and encourage each other to use our gifts. We have to remember that we are not all the same and are each called on a unique path to holiness. We have to draw in the isolated. We have to build community.

While I wish it weren’t, infertility is a big part of “my lane.” It is a part that is responsible for unexpected suffering, growth and joy. So I will leave you with a different challenge than Butker did. On whatever journey God takes you on, however unexpected, lean into Him and not the expectations of others. Get curious about the suffering he allows. Listen to the experiences of others. Bring new life into the world however God calls you to. If He blesses you with children, love them well and be sure to love your neighbor, too. Whatever roles and vocation He calls you to, trust in Him. If you’re going to move, find a place where the people love Jesus and have formed good community consisting of people who are not all the same.

Forget the status quo. As the Blessed Mother expressed so poignantly, “Do whatever He tells you,” even if that includes using NFP or hiring a babysitter so you can share your other gifts with the world. Because as St. Catherine of Siena said so boldly and beautifully, “Be who God made you to be and you will set the world on fire -” whether that’s from home or at work, whether you’re single or married, whether you attend the NO or TLM, and whether it includes a house full of kids or none at all.