“JOY” – what a weird word for a title on a book on infertility, right? I certainly would have thought so many years ago before I learned to sit with and explore my discomfort. But do you know that joy is still possible? Do you know that Jesus has felt all the things you are feeling as a human? That he suffers along with you now? Do you know that you are far from alone in this struggle? That you are likely already bearing an abundance of fruit?
All this and more is possible, but only when we hold space for the darkness of the moment we are living right now. This is what my new book will help you to uncover. I am gifting you with the Introduction here so you can have a taste of this journal companion for women struggling with infertility, available on Amazon now and Our Sunday Visitor book store now.
Introduction: You Are Welcome Here
“Suffering is a great grace; through suffering the soul becomes like the Savior; in suffering love becomes crystalized; the greater the suffering, the purer the love.”
Saint Faustina
Whether you’re new to the experience of infertility or have been suffering for a while now, whether that infertility is primary or secondary, or you’ve suffered through miscarriage, I want you to know that you are welcome here. No matter where your heart is — experiencing shame or regret, or feeling worthless, judged, overwhelmed, broken, bitter, confused, tired, disappointed, invisible, angry, bitter, or all of the above — you are not alone. And you are safe here.
You have permission to feel however you feel as you journey through these pages, and I hope you’re able to consider this book not so much as a guide but as your companion. This is not a step-by-step process to become fully healed. Only God can do that, with your permission. Rather, this book is intended to present you with some thoughts and questions to take to prayer and consider. I encourage you to honestly search for truth within your heart.
What makes you feel sadness most deeply? What are your fears? What are your deepest desires — even the ones you have never dared to consider or say out loud? What motivates you? What makes you come alive? What is hidden under all the outside noise of your past and distractions of the present? What has really ticked you off? What are the lies that have taken residence within you? Have you been vulnerable with God and your husband? How deeply do you and your spouse communicate?
The journey to discover these things, and maybe even the answers themselves, may be hard. And painful. But I hope that, no matter what, it will be freeing. Healing and discovering yourself fully alive doesn’t happen overnight, so the more willingly you enter into this as a marathon, even a lifelong journey, and not a sprint, the more you’ll get out of it. Sit with whatever stirs your heart — both the joys and the deep aches — for as long as you need. There is no time limit to your quest, no expectation that you will arrive at any conclusion quickly, or even at all. There is no prescribed routine.
It’s just you and Christ, and he isn’t going anywhere.
Even if, as I hope, you begin to experience more and more peace and joy as you continue this journey, remember that it’s OK to feel all of your emotions — whatever they are. Allowing yourself to know the goodness of the life God has created for you does not mean the source of your suffering isn’t very real. It is not forgotten. Joy and pain, sadness and acceptance, can (and often do) coexist.
Infertility has a strange ability to rob us of ourselves as we devote every ounce of our energy and attention to conception. But you are so much more than your good and beautiful desire for a child, and I am hoping to help you remember that, or discover it in the first place. I am so happy that you are here, exactly as you are. You are enough, just as you are! As you march forward, always remember the words of the great Pope St. John Paul II: “Do not be afraid.”
You are strong; you are worth it; and you’ve got this.
Nine Concepts
The pages that follow were not written at random. They come from my experience — my life, which became plagued with uncertainty and stirred with a relentless ache to produce new life but was met with a cyclic rejection instead. As time passed and Chris and I still weren’t getting pregnant, it got even harder. It felt like everyone around us was having babies — because they were. And they still are.
Almost none of my friends understood what I was going through, and I didn’t know of anyone else talking about the struggle of infertility. The lack of awareness was defeating, and there was no roadmap. I was stuck with a deep grief that ebbed and flowed with each passing cycle, and I had no idea what to do with it. Yet in spite of the pain and grief, I can’t sincerely say that I wish I had never had this experience.
Although those days were filled with a lot of darkness, they were also days in which God molded me, days when I challenged him and his seemingly cruel plans directly and when he drew me deep into the warmth of his heart anyway, days when I toiled to discover my fruitfulness only to realize that it was already there in abundance, and days when my marriage was strengthened because of the many opportunities we took to serve each other and grow in unity.
Infertility brought me the most painful days of my life, but it also forged me into a better person who understands that her worth does not depend on having a child. My worth, like yours, just is and will always be. By the grace of God, I can say that I’m finally on the other side of it, but it’s not because I eventually got pregnant — because I never did. It is because I learned how to become open and curious about God’s movements. It is because I asked tough questions and was willing to explore and be changed by the answers, because I chose to get back up after falling repeatedly, and because I became more familiar with the goodness within me that cannot be taken away.
I had no idea what I was doing, but the little bit of openness I could muster up was all God desired of me — my fiat, my yes. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the invitation he had been waiting for to begin to transform my perception of infertility, and of my worth. And he did. God does not call us to be perfect; he just calls us to avoid staying face-down on the floor when we get tripped up, and to never stop going to him and trying again. He wants you just as you are — no matter what that looks like.
I was able to identify some core concepts that I’ve kept close to my heart and that continue to help me maintain peace. I’m not talking about the kind of peace you receive when you finally get that precious gift you’ve been asking for or the kind of peace you feel momentarily here and there. I’m talking about a depth of peace that cannot be stirred or uprooted no matter the outcome of your journey — the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding (see Phil 4:7), recognizing the weight of the cross you may always carry, but never allowing it to outweigh the true joy of the Resurrection. Because that part is a choice. This is good news because it means that healing is available for you no matter how your story unfolds.
Suffering through a wide range of emotions, navigating relationships with friends and family who just don’t get it, feeling isolated in the Church, getting wrapped up in health issues and treatments, surrendering to God’s will, and growing in intimacy in marriage are some important points of conversation that will be addressed in this book. I hope these nine concepts will stir your heart and give you some new things to consider, like they did for me:
- Agony: Be transported to Good Friday and unite your experience to Christ’s. Express your raw emotions like Jesus did, without any filters. He understands your pain. Your suffering is not wasted. Learn how to cooperate with it so that it will produce something good.
- Isolation: It is easy to feel alone and invisible when struggling to achieve pregnancy. Letting those who feel safe into the recesses of your heart can be freeing. Know that you and your mental health matter greatly as you navigate friendships and time in the Church. You are needed and valued just as you are.
- Curiosity: The pain of infertility is very real, but it is likely not your only source of grief. Many times, God uses our emptiness to direct us toward other wounds he wants to heal. Learn to befriend your sorrow so it can teach you. Your body isn’t the only thing longing to be healed. Your heart wants to be seen and understood.
- Thoughts vs. Feelings: Did you know there is a pretty big difference between thoughts and feelings, and that how we speak to ourselves can influence how we feel? Becoming aware of these differences can help you distinguish between the lies that you believe and the truth about how God sees you.
- Infertility Is a Symptom: It is not a diagnosis, which means it has an underlying cause (or underlying causes) worth addressing not only to promote fertility, but to promote healing. Sometimes we conflate our body not working the way it should with being broken as a person. Infertility says nothing about who you are. You deserve to be healed whether or not a baby is produced because you are good.
- Pregnancy Not Required: The pain of infertility is not limited to the absence of a baby. That’s just the most obvious hurt. When our will clashes with God’s, it causes great friction, which can contribute to the brokenness of our heart. Don’t just ask for a baby. Pray that God gives you the grace to trust him.
- Discover Yourself Fully Alive: God is the master creator, and he expresses his goodness in the world through us in a million different ways. Consider your most obvious gifts, desires, and the things you enjoy doing. Look deep inside and think beyond a certain norm to discern how God wants to produce new life through you. There is only one person who can be fruitful like you. You are needed just as you are.
- Fruitfulness. Motherhood. Openness to Life: Motherhood is not reserved for those who parent little ones. Spiritual motherhood is not a consolation prize. We are all called to make God’s love tangible to whomever God puts in our path through the gift of spiritual parenthood. Have you fully tapped into yours? You may have done so more than you realize.
- Intimacy between Spouses: When you’re struggling to conceive or maintain a pregnancy, it’s easy to forget that a baby should not come first in your marriage. We are called to be united to our spouse before we can raise a child well. Learn how to maintain a rich emotional intimacy by always putting your marriage first.
This book is divided into nine reflections, each focused on one of these nine concepts. In each section, you’ll spend some time reflecting on the concept. Then you will pray, using original prayers written by me and a few of my favorite non-profit Catholic infertility organizations. I hope at least one of these organizations will be a good connection for you and continue to offer you solidarity and hope throughout your journey. At the end of each reflection, I have included song suggestions to help you enter in, if music helps you pray. Occasionally I also recommend a podcast episode based on a specific topic. Finally, each reflection concludes with several journal prompts to help you dive deep into your mind and heart and make this process your own. These are all mere suggestions, though, so if anything doesn’t feel right for you, feel free to skip it!
I have organized the concepts by numbers, but they don’t have to be discovered in any particular order. The only rule here is to be open and invite God in when you’re ready. Let him take it from there. I would also like to encourage you to be open to the idea of finding a good counselor you can trust if you haven’t already considered it. Therapists can be very useful in helping us to process the many feelings we are dealing with, regardless of how big or small the problem feels to us.
So let’s get started. What matters is not where you are in your journey right now, but where you’re going. Our first step will be to lower the temperature a little and acknowledge the truth about how you feel on your darkest days.
What are you feeling right now?
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Much love,
Mary
Mary G Bruno 
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