Mary G Bruno

While this may be helpful for someone considering IVF, it is provided specifically for those who hope to understand the issue better and are in a position to have conversations with others on the topic (which, technically, describes everyone).  It is not necessarily appropriate to bring any of these points up at all times. Rely on the Holy Spirit and use good judgement.

1. What is IVF? During this process, conception of a human being occurs in glass through a sterile procedure where all parts of the family are visibly separated. Eggs are obtained from the woman in another sterile procedure and sperm are gathered, usually via a man’s act of masturbation. An embryologist works to combine these to create several embryos outside the warmth and safety of his/her mother’s body. *By design,* doctors need to make extra embryos to make the process more efficient and increase likelihood of successful transfer and implantation. Most of the time, extra embryos/human lives are frozen or destroyed.

2. What does the Church teach? The church honors and reveres sex and the creation of human life. Reading directly from the Catechism helps us to understand that the Church is not coming from a place of rigidity, but compassion, with a focus on the dignity of each human person involved. The Catechism says: “2376 Techniques that entail the dissociation of husband and wife, by the intrusion of a person other than the couple (donation of sperm or ovum, surrogate uterus), are gravely immoral. These techniques (heterologous artificial insemination and fertilization) infringe the child’s right to be born of a father and mother known to him and bound to each other by marriage. They betray the spouses’ “right to become a father and a mother only through each other.”¹⁶⁶

2377 Techniques involving only the married couple (homologous artificial insemination and fertilization) are perhaps less reprehensible, yet remain morally unacceptable. They dissociate the sexual act from the procreative act. the act which brings the child into existence is no longer an act by which two persons give themselves to one another, but one that “entrusts the life and identity of the embryo into the power of doctors and biologists and establishes the domination of technology over the origin and destiny of the human person. Such a relationship of domination is in itself contrary to the dignity and equality that must be common to parents and children.”¹⁶⁷ “Under the moral aspect procreation is deprived of its proper perfection when it is not willed as the fruit of the conjugal act, that is to say, of the specific act of the spouses’ union …. Only respect for the link between the meanings of the conjugal act and respect for the unity of the human being make possible procreation in conformity with the dignity of the person.”¹⁶⁸

2378 A child is not something owed to one, but is a gift. The “supreme gift of marriage” is a human person. A child may not be considered a piece of property, an idea to which an alleged “right to a child” would lead. In this area, only the child possesses genuine rights: the right “to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents,” and “the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception.”¹⁶⁹

The process of IVF treats children as a commodity; a product or good that can be bought and sold, rather than a gift freely given and received by God.

3. Difficult teaching. Establish how difficult the Church’s teaching on IVF can be. We often hear that God calls us to “be fruitful and multiply,” so it can be hard to understand why that’s not what couples seek when pursuing IVF.  Acknowledge that most people were never taught this and have no reason to understand why the teachings on IVF exist. It’s okay, and quite understandable, that they wrestle with this! Be patient and loving, and give women and men the space to grapple with these messages that sound impossible to be true to them.

4. How the Church can help. If we are going to tackle the issue of IVF as a Church, we need to start by serving and embracing the hearts of the infertile (more than when IVF comes up in the news) who suffer with something that is invisible and often misunderstood in society, leading to feelings of isolation, shame, and unaddressed mental health issues. This can cause them to seek alternative treatments like IVF. Talk about infertility and miscarriage and how people who suffer with these sit in the pews next to us, form support groups, rethink the way Mother’s Day Mass is celebrated (118/212 people surveyed have either skipped this Mass or gone to another church. I recommend not asking mothers to stand for a blessing, acknowledging the difficulty for those with motherhood wounds on the Sunday before Mother’s Day, and assuring them that the Church suffers with them.) Place resources up around the parish (emotional support and options for RRM, find free downloads at marygbruno.com).

• Addressing the situation of crisis pregnancy resources. Most Catholic Churches have some type of ministry or display of resources to help serve women in crisis pregnancies and their babies. This is very important and should exist in every Church. At the same time, it would be valuable to the pro-life movement to also consider how this emphasis on pregnant women and babies effects those women who are ardently trying to achieve and maintain a pregnancy when resources and support do not also exist for them. A recent exploration of several local Catholic churches revealed at least one Respect Life committee at each one. Two websites offered 8 and 15 links for women with crisis pregnancies. None offered support for women struggling with infertility. A Creighton client recently told me (shared with permission) that she considered pursuing IVF after seeing multiple crisis pregnancy resources at her parish but nothing for women like her who struggle with infertility. 

5. What is crisis infertility? Dictionary.com describes crisis as “A dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person’s life.” This is what infertility often causes. The overwhelm, loss of hope, and emotional exhaustion associated with infertility often feels like too much and makes it very difficult for women to think and make good decisions. This is understandable! If a woman is experiencing this, she needs solid and effective support to help her move into a place of calm, rational thought, where she feels seen and supported. If the woman is feeling consumed with grief, that’s okay. Sometimes her husband has a unique ability in this position to be a voice of reason, helping them to be objective and not allowing themselves to be influenced by their emotions. They should make every decision together. 

6. Underlying women’s health issues are not addressed with IVF. Medicine is defined as “the science or practice of the diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of disease,” according to Dr. Naomi Whittaker. IVF technically uses medicine, but should not be described as medicine since it makes no effort to heal the woman. Restorative reproductive medicine uses the woman’s body’s information to assess and treat underlying causes of infertility. IVF circumvents it. Learn more from this FACTS article.     

7. Each woman is a gift with or without a child. A child is not the only gift! Many people in the Catholic Church absorb messages that it is better/holier/more fruitful to have more children, but there is nothing in Scripture or Tradition that expresses this. Some treat children as trophies or Catholic accessories, acting as though more is better. This inaccurate interpretation causes confusion as couples will often overcompensate with IVF to satisfy the good call to “be fruitful and multiply.” More is just a number and a child is a human being who deserves to be loved well. While having children is a good and beautiful calling, being fruitful, open to life, procreative, and co-creating life with God can look millions of different ways. Let’s be sure to celebrate the gifts, talents, desires, and spiritual parenthood of all humans, fertile and infertile, to reestablish the fullness of God’s call to fruitfulness for everyone he puts into our life. Every woman is a gift, too. 

8. You can be okay if you never get pregnant. When in the darkest days of infertility, all we can see in our minds is ourselves with a baby in the future. Couples need to know that getting pregnant is not the ultimate victory, but trusting in God is. Be careful not to dismiss or overlook the good and beautiful that exists today, right before us. Accept the gift of joy today. There are many women who never get pregnant, find meaning in their suffering, and go on to live happy, rewarding lives. The desire to be a mom to a child is strong and it is very good, and it may happen and it may not. It is in that “may not” space that we have to wrestle. In that place, we are tempted to numb and distract ourselves. Don’t. Lean into that pain and wrestle with it, trusting God with the rest of your story rather than pursuing pregnancy at all costs, like IVF. While having a baby can be a miracle, so can be our disposition of peace and acceptance.

9. Wrestle with God’s “no.” Even if we get pregnant naturally or were to get pregnant through IVF, there is still that tension that exists within the struggle of God not giving us what we are asking for. Consider a relationship with God that leaves us satisfied only when we get what we want. That is not authentic love or trust. The wrestling is necessary to die to self and shift our focus from our plans to his. This is supposed to be difficult! It is in this space that God does his best work within us. Don’t attempt to escape that with IVF. Pregnancy may happen, but don’t let a pregnancy dictate what brings you peace.

10. IVF deprives the couple of the fruit of suffering God allows. God is allowing the suffering of infertility for some reason. For example: had I pursued IVF, I wouldn’t have noticed that I had so many gifts and desires untapped because I was so focused on having a baby alone. We wouldn’t have pursued adoption, at least at the time we did, and would have missed out on our incredible daughter. Infertility motivated me to take a more honest look at my life. Get curious about what is happening in your life that God wants you to focus on and allow yourself to enjoy the beauty of today that God is allowing in abundance. It is there! 

11. Take action that focuses on what’s best for the child. Think about how beautifully God designed the co-creation of new life, through the loving self-donation of intercourse. That may be one reason why infertility is so hard. However, his design is perfect. It is easy to get so distracted by the singular goal of having a child that we lose sight of what is best for a child. Consider how IVF handles creation, storage, and even the gift of life. And consider that investing in the health of the woman (which IVF does not do) gives a potential baby a better shot at a healthy pregnancy.

12. Adoption. Adoption does not heal the infertility wound, nor is it just for infertile couples, or something all infertile couples have to do, but it is something all couples should discern. For those couples who are called to be parents, an ethical adoption that focuses on doing what is best for the child can be a wonderful option. I wasn’t open to adoption for years because I was never exposed to it. My husband was always open to it. I finally chose to seek God’s plan for my life rather than being absorbed with my own plans because I knew we were called to be parents. That is when I heard the call, but I still wasn’t ready and wasn’t sure I could love a child I did not co-create the same way. Over the next year God took my “yes” and transformed my heart to be fully ready and excited for our adopted daughter before she was even born. It’s okay to wrestle with any concerns about adoption. If it is what God is calling you to do, you will become ready when the time is right. Also, as a pro life movement, let’s consider how we approach women in crisis pregnancies who endure incredible sacrifices out of love to place (not “give up”) their children for adoption. It is no small feat. They are heroes and their suffering deserves reverence! 

13. Embryos/human lives are frozen and destroyed. Even if pursued in “the most ethical way,” a couple still contributes to the IVF industry where babies are treated as commodities.

These are not easy conversations to have. Thank you for your willingness to get curious about how to approach this and associated topics with love and compassion!