Mary G Bruno

…CONTINUED

Endometriosis’ older, uglier sister, adenomyosis, is found within the muscle itself, vs. on the surface, so treating it means removing the muscle, or portions of it. Within the last several months, multiple ultra sounds, an MRI, and a diagnostic surgery have detected 3 large masses of that ugly sister within the baby building bubble inside my belly, which appears to be a very fancy magician as it quite impressively takes over the bottom half of my uterus. It turns out my bod is really good at growing things, just not babies! Ha. But this is my reality. You may think I am crazy for fighting so hard to keep such a painful part of my body that is not required for me to live, but I greatly value the gift of my fertility, and as long as I have a bit left, I will fight for it. Since day 1, this disease has been playing peek-a-boo and throwing doctors curve balls. Normal human rationale and what I often hear from others suggests that this is not “fair.” “Good” people “deserve” better. “There are so many women that shouldn’t be having babies but do, or have abortions, and so many others have the desire and can’t.”  Where is God? God isn’t good. Why would He allow this? This is one understandable perspective to have, but it also leaves us at a loss if we stay there and don’t attempt to know Him better.

“…God does things and allows things in our lives which we can’t understand. Although this should make us question our powers of understanding, we are instead tempted to question God’s love.” (One Bread, One Body by Presentation Ministries 2018)

Most of us, at some point of struggle in our lives, have begun to question if God really is good. We feel forgotten or looked over; unloved; not worth it. This is when we decide whether or not we really believe in the Crucifixion. Because if we do, it is very hard to gaze upon Christ’s lifeless body, knowing why he hangs there, and dare to ask “Is God good?” Has He forgotten me? It is not possible for Him to endure such sacrifice for us, offering the ultimate gift of Love, without being the most perfect version of “good.” Maybe it is not God that needs to change my life circumstances. Maybe it is me that needs to change my heart, and trust the God that hung on the cross for me. I may not always enjoy the ride, but He will take me down the road that will ultimately lead me to the desires of my heart, if I let Him.

“Desire.” Definition: a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment. What are the desires of your heart? …those longings that derive from your very core; the things that define who you are… what are they? You are probably not even aware of all of the desires of your heart. But God is. Because He knows you through those very depths, far better and deeper than you know yourself. He created you. If you had asked me this question so many years ago, I would have probably said that my deepest desires were: to get married and have children. But being completely honest with myself meant that there were other things I desired but did not think I was talented or bold enough to achieve, so I wouldn’t have given them a second thought. But here is where the beauty and relentless love and passion that our Creator has for us comes into play. He gazes at little old me with not just love, but also a burning desire to joyfully fulfill all the desires of my heart, including the ones I am desperately unaware of, despite how much I fight Him because of my own weaknesses and lack. of. trust.

He consistently, but patiently, pleads with my heart to give a little more of myself to Him so that He can mold me into something better; get me out of my comfort zone; challenge me to swim in deeper waters; discover my own uncharted territories! I just need to trust Him. I will not pretend that I have done this well. It is very hard. But I began to know Him better, and I grew in trust, with some kicking and screaming, but I grew, because He does not require us to be perfect, but to give of ourselves and to try. And I will never be content with my growth because there is always room for more. Through my painful journey, God has granted me the desires of my heart- none of which would have happened had I not experienced the pain of this disease and infertility. It is only in my reflection and growth with Him through my experiences of suffering and joy that I have come to realize this and been given this grace of perspective. I want to explain these to you in detail because it is one thing to say that God has granted my desires and it is another things to make that feel real for you.

1. Bella. If you have read my previous blogs, this already makes sense to you. She is our adopted daughter and she would have been enough to complete this list, alone.
2. Part of our vows express “…in sickness and in health…” and I feel like so many people are afraid of the “sickness” part. I have had 10 surgeries and have (hopefully only) 2 more to go; I have experienced multiple days of pain with varying degrees of severity each month, ER visits, and the emotional roller coaster of infertility- every difficulty has brought my husband and I closer together. I often sit in awe as he cares for me and lives Christ’s love out for me when I cannot give anything in return. It truly is beautiful and is an aspect of this experience I treasure and look forward to.
3. Taking Back the Terms is a ministry that provides me an opportunity to use my gifts and talents to promote NaProtechnology and help other women escape these problems I have experienced and much, much more.
4. Friendship. A dear friend and I had a falling out about 7 years ago when she got married and before I met my husband and began having surgeries. Unfortunately, she began having surgeries, too, and contacted me in bits and pieces to gain some insight since she was starting to go down the same path, but had already been infertile. It took a long time, but eventually we became closer than ever. She is my “Taking Back the Terms” partner and a God-send because we have and are experiencing painful diagnoses, surgeries, and infertility together, as well as other ministries, ventures, and things that friends do together. In addition, I have also experienced another level of love from other friends, and especially family members who have offered prayers, support, and gone above and beyond in helping us.
5. You might want to sit down and hold onto your coffee cup for this next one because this white girl is really going to confuse you. Before marriage, before the pain of infertility, before writing blogs, before Bella, before growth in faith, before most things I have become passionate about, I was passionate about…wait for it…knitting. No I’m just kidding, but I wanted to prepare you for something that might sound equally as silly. I have always had a strange passion for and creative talent for rapping. Not wrapping as in gifts, but rapping as in hip hop, beat droppin’, mic sideways, can’t feel my face, throw them ‘bows- rapping. This may not surprise you if you went to high school with me or were at my wedding, but I think the average person who meets or reads me would find it hard to believe that I have a recording studio upstairs in my house. I feel most compelled to write about my faith and my sufferings in an authentic, creative, and encouraging way that anyone can relate to, appreciate, and, of course, bounce to. Writing and performing songs has been more cathartic and enjoyable for me than I could have dreamed! One day I may share them with you…
6. This last one may be less tangible, but it is no less real to say that my strength, faith, and joy continues to grow, when I maintain my relationship with Jesus and continue to get to know Him more.

The list could go on! A great prayer to pray is for eyes to see what we have not been able to see. How much would this change our perspective?! This has been a time of deepest sorrow in my life, but also a time of greatest joy as I journey deeper into the heart of Jesus and experience life more fully. For now I have a little more hope of holding onto my uterus, but that very well may not be the case by the end of this year. That thought hurts my heart and my brain. But I have to trust His plan vs. mine because I know I can’t even wrap my arms around how much He loves me and desires what is best for me. And even if I never get pregnant, I can always get a puppy and learn how to knit, while I rap.

Mary G. Bruno